Presence

I had a beautiful moment with Amelia yesterday.  Actually it was a lot of beautiful moments which added up to a beautiful hour (during Luke's nap) spent on the couch snuggling and reading books.  Both of the kids have become fascinated with letters and words and the sounds that they make and I love watching their minds fit the pieces together.  Amelia had been "reading" to me (telling me the letters she sees) and then I read them back to her.  She reached out and lovingly stroked my hair and my face and said, "Mama -- I'm just so proud of you.  That is beautiful reading.  I love you."  Followed by a kiss.  If you know my active, ever-moving, dancing Amelia Jane ... you understand how special these moments are.  And I hoped that what she was saying to me are the words she's heard us say again and again.  You are doing a good job.  We are proud of you.  You are loved.  The world can be painful and I know I can not shelter her from all that will come in her life.  But I hope that her almost-three-year old mind feels at peace when she is snuggled up next to her mama on the couch.  Knowing that she is safe and forever loved.  I've made it a goal to try to have beautiful moments with both of the kids every day.  Three years of motherhood has taught me that it's not realistic to wish for whole days that are amazing -- kids (and people) are unpredictable and often sick and grumpy because they were up in the night and throwing tantrums just because.   But beautiful moments?  We can do that.  In the midst of the chaos, to-do lists, preschool planning, dinner making ... we can make sure there are plenty of moments that make us pause and be thankful.  The more I talk to other mamas the more I realize that we all struggle with this:  the doing and the being.  There are just so.many.things.to.do when you're a parent and 24/7 caregiver.  Balancing careers and family and household and friendships and church ... But I never ever want to get so caught up in my busyness that I forget to just be.  Just be present with the little people I love.  One friend recommended setting a timer for 20 minutes and just playing with your kids -- not answering the phone or doing any of the million "mom" things that are spinning in your head ... just being.  Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic tonight because my babies are getting ready to turn THREE.  Or maybe 3 years of parenting has taught me a bit about what matters and what can wait.  Or maybe God is constantly growing and stretching and teaching us through the relationships in our lives ... and parenting is one relationship that will lead to a hell of a lot of refining.  My soul has grown in the hard and painful places over these last three years -- because it hurts to love someone as deeply as we love our children -- but as our hearts stretch -- their ability to appreciate joy also increases.  And I've never known deeper joy than these last three years.  It is such a privilege to be called mama by two wild, hilarious, amazing little people.